The Midnight News
Hello Firemark-marks, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. It's 2006! A brand New Year! Time to rehash and recycle years worth of material yet again!
Not much in terms of news... kind'a quiet out there, and yet this will end up being one of the longest columns I've ever done! HOW??? HOW????
Before I get going, I'd like to point out real quick that on New Years Eve I received three calls from three different women... FOUR in fact as one of them called twice. The first time she hung up on me and the second time I didn't pick up, just to mess with her. The strange thing is... these are all women I know through the Internet... and one of them is 17... the other one is a black chick... and the third could be a model.
If I could bottle and sell this fucking charm o' mine I'd be so fucking RICH
And just like that, we're off to the races... starting with a special message from me to YOU!
THE BALLARD OF MYSPACEY LAMES
It's all the rage, this MySpace craze. Sean the MiC devoted a whole column on it last week.
There are about 200 MySpace pages from WWE wrestlers. Trish Stratus alone has about 20 of them. (One of them is the imposter who has been fucking with a LOT of people's heads for a long time now, and I think I'm the only one who knows the truth. I'm amazed no one has caught her).
All fakes. But still, some real ones. Everyone has a MySpace.
Well, almost everyone.
Ladies and Gentlemen.... if you ever... fucking EVER find a Chris Hyatte MySpace... if you EVER catch me with a MySpace page... I want you to find me and murder me.
No, you don't understand. I'm not asking you... I'm not giving you permission. I am demanding. Fuck, I am ORDERING you to find me and end my life. Kill me. Execute me. I don't care how.
No... I mean it. If I ever get so low where I make a MySpace page... and you find it. I will post my real name, address, a PICTURE of me, a picture OF MY HOUSE, the make, model, and license plate OF MY CAR (well, truck now), my social security number, and exact times when I'm home and when I'm not, and MapQuest directions to my house from Route 95 North AND South and I'll even hide a stolen gun with bullets AND a pair of gloves somewhere nearby. I'll also leave $1000 in unmarked bills with them. I'll even leave my door unlocked so you can go in and take what you want.
Please, dear people.... if I ever make a MySpace page.... put me out of my misery. I'll die with a smile. I promise.
Jesus Fuck, people. This is worse than having a Live Journal.
Do it... do it for your old pal Hyatte.... Please.
Thank you.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY CUT AND PASTED...
Since it was a slow news week... and since this is 2006... I thought I'd treat you all (and introduce anyone new to me) to a big fat pile of past segments from the year that was 2005!
Of course, MY '05 more or less ended in August... since I'm not SO lazy as to just pull up segments from DOI columns that yoy can link right below here... so I stopped looking for stuff after March or so... plus I don't want to make the column TOO long... Lord knows that might give you kids headaches or something.
So I grabbed several big fat past segments... many funny, a few sordid, and one that kicked off a rumor that turned out to be more true than anyone realized! I'll lead off with that one... Have at it!
ALL HELL IS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE
Nevermind the steroids.
Nevermind the rampant drug use.
Nevermind the dwindling houses
Nevermind the ratings, the contract renewals, TNA, or Vince's physical condition...
I can tell, something is about to erupt within the WWE, something that, if not contained soon, will make the steroid trials from 12 years ago seem like romper room.
It started with Amy Webber, and getting her chops busted for that Japanese Strip Club controversy...
THEN... we find out that her exiting the company probably also involves some sort of "incident" with Randy Orton...
WHO... we find out is pretty much a world class rat hound who enjoys taking pictures of his conquests (which you KNOW means he has videotape too... which you KNOW means SOMEONE will download it for our Internet viewing pleasure... which you MAY start hoping that one of these tapes MIGHT involve Keibler... which will send most of you scampering to your bedrooms with your pants sliding down your legs after about 10 seconds of thinking about this)
SO... although nothing has been outright SAID... the pesky rumors suggest that Orton was strongly... errm... "inappropriate" with Webber, who clearly thinks her shit doesn't stink enough to bang a RASSLER. (she has done "Son of the Beach" after all).
IN ANY CASE, Webber is said to be consdiering a lawsuit... and word is the WWE management is nervous.
FURTHERMORE... the Torch's Wade Keller... who knows how to report something without pissing off anyone in the biz made THIS frustratingly vague news report:
One of the reasons John Laurenaitis has heat is he insisted that a married wrestler end his relationship with a female worker in WWE. The relationship had become more than a "fling," but because the male wrestler is married, Laurenaitis apparently felt it was his place to step in. He threatened to move them to separate brands to keep them apart and said the wrestler wouldn't be allowed to leave his wife. This male wrestler complained to Vince McMahon about Laurenaitis overstepping his bounds and interfering in personal business which, to that point, hadn't shown signs of affecting their professional duties...
WHO might Wade be speaking of? Well, I can't say... but I have reason to believe the wrestler in question is a Raw guy who just got RE-married a few months ago... and the girl is a recent hire... because the veteran Divas have pretty much mastered the art of discretion.
THEN, I have heard a VERY gossipy rumor that ANOTHER married Raw guy is sneaking around with Christie Hemme... and... well, if THIS is true and HIS wife is unaware... well, let's just say that if this guy gets caught you people will have something to gab on about on the boards for... oh, I'd say FOREVER.
And this is just after these new girls have been on for couple of months. Shit is already getting started. Imagine what's gonna happen within this next YEAR if left unchecked
Throw a bunch of stacked, young, horny hotties with no experience in a wrestling locker room (and no experience with wrestling politics) in a room with a bunch of amped up, juiced, wild, ID-Fueled young athletes and put them in an enviornment where the only thing they are required to do is show up at the next gig dressed semi-professional... with management never really caring HOW they get there or HOW they conduct themselves in the meantime and what do YOU think is gonna happen?
Give it a year... this is going to EXPLODE people. All SORTS of sordid nonsense is about to happen.
Hell, it's happening already.
And it's gonna be HUGE.
THINGS I WOULD INSERT INTO TRISH STRATUS
Wholly gratuitious... but it ain't like she reads this column...
The following items are on my wish list of things I would insert into various gooholes of Trish Stratus:
1: My penis
2: My finger
3: My other finger
4: My thumb
5: My other thumb
6: My pinkie toe
7: My other pinkie toe
8: My tongue
9: My nose
10: My Parrot Jake
11: Jennifer Love Hewitt's tongue
12: My fist
13: My cellphone
14: My head, my hand and my cellphone at once so I can call Flea and tell him where I am.
15: Her choice of vibrator
16: A Cucumber
17: A printed out and rolled up copy of And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H
18: A hockey stick
19: My elbow
20: A videocamera
Thank you.
JET VS THE TSUNAMI
Yes, the Tsunami was horrible... HORRIBLE... I blame Bush.
And the IWC is currently ON THE CASE finding SOME WAY to blame Triple H for this nightmare. (Word has it, Scherer is damn close to finding a connection)
But rest assured, Vince McMahon is currently negotiating a very special Raw benefit show to raise spirits and raise funds for those devestated by the Tsunami! Tragedy = good PR... and if he can wring out a few shekels for his efforts, well why not?
And you know the WWE wrestlers LOOOOVE traveling overseas, especially when these trips ALWAYS take away precious time-off.! You DO realize that most of those soldiers they visited in Iraq had no earthly idea who these wrestlers are. NOT EVERYONE IS A FAN OF WRESTLING, YOU SHELTERED FEEBS!!!
Anyway, the funniest story to come out of this disaster was the news that Japanese (and American, yes) action hero JET LI was... at the place that was hit by the tsunami (I forget where, exactly... lot of vowels in the name)... and for a few days, he was missing!
But he;s alive, and his management released the good news! Jet Li is fine. Although he did injure his foot protecting his daughter from the tsunami!
Yes, ever the hero, Jet Li FACED DOWN THE TSUMANI WITH HIS DAUGHTER IN HAND AND HIS FOOT OUT! READY TO KICK MAJOR WAVEY ASS!
Locals report that Li was seen on the beach, daughter in his arms, screaming, "GE BAK, TIDO RAVE!!!! BANZAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!!!"
Damn rave didn't sell... and didn't even have the decency to wash the grease off Li's face... he came out of it with a broken foot and twice as many zits as he had going in!
Damn you, tido rave! Damn you all to hell!!
I DON'T WANNA BE IN CHYNA
Someone was nice enough.... if that's the proper word... to send me a link to about 20 minutes of the Joanie/Waltman love sammitch porno that I really think Joanie thinks will land her the starring role in Wonder Woman.
Rather than review the thing... humorous reviews are littered all over the place already, I thought I'd offer a few observations:
-X-Pac is about... I'd say 6 and a half inches.
-X-Pac curves to the right.
-They INVENTED the term "white trash" for guys like Sean Waltman.
-No matter how much hair he has on his head, Waltman STILL sounds dopey with the extra deep voice.
-Joanie.... umm... when he's stroking her... the look on her face.... it's.... umm.... well, let's put it this way, it takes a lot to unnerve me and... well.... COLOR ME UNNERVED!! As my mother used to say: ICKY POO POO!!!
-Now I've seen a repectably fair share of vag up close and personal and... err... well, maybe it's me... but I have NEVER had a vag which went through so many... umm.... lemme put it like this.... all the vag I've played with didn't jump through the sort of hoops Joanie's did before it was... um.... primed.
-What I'm trying to say is DAYAM... brotha has to put in the OT to get that thing opened up! First it opened then it swelled then something came out.... then, I think Waltman had to use rib spreaders to get that thing opened properly.
-Then there was Joanie's alleged clit.... it's a fuckin' penis... a small, cancerous, shriveled penis... no, it is... it's hanging... it's a cock. It looks like a cock, it bounced like a cock, it's got the helmet... dammit, it's a penis.
-No WONDER Waltman has drug problems.
-No WONDER he did most of his work from behind.
-Then Joanie dipped Waltman's pee pee in some blood red liquid before she sipped it... I'm convinced it's used tamponwater.
-Waltman DOES know how to go down on a gal, tho'. Man knows what he's doing there.
-I... I have to give this porn a thumbs down. I'm sorry, Joanie fans (anyone out there? helloooooo). This is so.... scarring that it has turned me off to ALL WWE Divas! Who KNOWS what Stratus has going on down there? I can't imagine anymore.
-God Bless HHH.... next time you dis Stephanie... please remember that odds are really, really good that Stephanie DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS FOR A CLIT!!!!!!!
-Or maybe I've just been with nothing but freaks and ALL normal chicks are like this.
BATTLEGROUND: THE STREETS OF LOS ANGELES
Hey kids... wanna walk the streets of L.A. passing out RASSLIN' FLYERS???
Wanna hand over material explaining why some asshole let JEFF JARRETT be a world champion?
Wanna see how a low-budget rasslin' company is gonna try to mess around with the WWE's biggest, flashiest, grandest show OF THEM ALL???
Well then, read THIS...
TNA VOLUNTEERS NEEDED @ WRESTLEMANIA XXI!!!
Wrestlemania comes to The Staples Center in Los Angeles April 3rd!!!
That's only days away! (Whoa... why am I telling you this?!?) I need volunteers to help us distribute materials to thousands of wrestling fans!!! Form teams of people to go out an permeate the city of L.A. and the Staples Center with TNA's posters, flyers, stickers... anything we can get to you... And not only that! We need you to TELL EVERYONE about TNA!
It's really easy. Send me an email to TNAStreetTeam@theechoplex.com with "WMXXI" in the subject line and tell me how many people are going with you, what you're going to do, where you're going to go... all the juicy details! And send me your mailing address so I can send you materials!
We'll send you the materials you need, and all you need to do is show up in a crowd of wrestling fans, hand out materials, and let us know how it went! If you send us digital pictures, we'll put them up on the site.
And we want to REWARD you for your hard work! We'll send you some combination of the following: Destination X Posters, Lockdown Posters, a t-shirt, badge, stickers... plus we'll tell EVERYONE what you did!!!
Travis
Travis.... TRAVIS!!
Did you know that almost NO ONE north OR west of the Mississippi River is named "Travis"?
Travis... ANOTHER INBRED HICK WORKING FOR TNA!!! WILL WONDERS EVER CEASE??
And what do you GET for forming an ARMY of fellow fans to hand out country fried rasslin' paraphernalia and piss off the professional company trying to run a huge show properly and trying to make it a grand spectacle??? Posters, shirts, bumper stickers, and BADGES! So YOU can pretend to be a REAL TNA Security officer!!
Oh, and they'll tell EVERYONE what you did? Who is everyone? EVERYONE!! Because THE WORLD will want to know about TNA!! THE WORLD!!
No money, of course... money is for suckers. Money is for those WWE people... MONEY?? Bob Ryder (TNA's Director of Talent Relations) has to buy male hustlers... TNA needs to KEEP their money.
Stay off drugs kids and work for TNA for FREE!! Be a proud member of TNA's Underground Renegade Squad... spend your Sunday getting people to CANCEL Wrestlemania and instead ORDER Lockdown it's just like Nitro... except cheaper and with people you never cared about in 1998!
And NASH!!
And DDP!!
Here's an idea from your old pal, Hy-Rate... if you're thinking about hitting the streets of LA to get the TNA message out there... start in Compton!
Or just shoot yourself in the face.
Just sit at home and watch Wrestlemania... it';s the reason why most of us are fans of this kooky sport. Don't spend the day doing free labor and getting into arguments with WWE fans. Don't listen to the hillbillies.
Don't be a douchebag. TNA won't be around much longer anyway.
Ridiculous
WHAT, ME WARRY(OR)?
HELLWIG!!
No more... he changed his name offically to "Warrior" and he somehow managed to turn himself into a public speaker... a hilarious one.
You probably know the story already... he was speaking at the University of Connecticut where he made "racist and homophobic" comments, specifically about how "queering don't make the world work" and adviced an Iranian student to "get a towel".
For some crazy reason, the UConn people freaked... Warrior officially laughed it off and said "I was being politically incorrect".
Umm... he's a wrestler... a bad one.
Umm... A WRESTLER!!
Jesus, you get what you PAY for, ya' know... what were these UConn guys expecting from a dude who made his carteer on shaking ring ropes in tights with a juiced up body... what sort of discourse were they hoping for?
Anyway... the whacky thing is... you people don't even know HALF of what the guy said up there... Midnight News correspondent Tess Nightie was there and she sent me even MORE stuff that the Warrior said that fateful night... get'cher thesauruses ready kids...
"Ignobile martinet's of the fruity persuasion are the scions of Broadway"
"Former Executive Commanders in Chief with lubricious deviant malice on their minds simply are not capable of producing effective policy"
"I once fornicated upon the sumptious, youthful, bosom of Mistress Stephanie Mcmahon"
"Terry Bollea ingests the seminal output of naive Portugese adolescent males."
"I enjoy the company of the negresses, delightful conversationlists as they eradicate the natural bodily fluid residue from my undergarments
"Only spic is a dead spic"
"JEWS! Why ain't they dead?"
"Artifical stimulation of the body's natural musculature can only possibly help raise awareness and the profile of the ignobility of professional athletics."
"Dental Floss makes a fantabulous blindfold whence you choose to delve into the kinkier nature with a Jap."
"Alas, my own personal dealing with the discharge of the happy junk, junk fluid from my penis has long since abated with the forestalling of my own former professional career"
"I think I'm gay."
"For all his pompous maneuvering within the ring, both amatuer and professional, Kurt Angle still ain't shit."
"Show of hands... who here hasn't gotten head from Tammy Sytch?"
"No, I don't know if Stone Cold is going to wrestling again."
"Will the unconscionable troglodytes who keep shouting "What" at me after every pause please SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"
"Why yes, Roderick Piper was indeed a rump wrangler, you mean this is still a topic shrouded in pock-marked secrecy?"
"God bought my work-out tapes. He is a Warrior."
Hellwig... a treasure. A true treasure.
REFLECTIONS OF... THE WAY RASSLIN' USED TO BE...
I read Dusty Rhodes: Reflections of An American Dream recently.
Noooo I won't be reviewing it, and it will NOT be a part of the Book of the Whenever I Get To It Club. You can read a perfectly serviceable review of it right (link not available).
No, what I'd LIKE to do is pull quotes from it... I got wrestling quotes AND across the board stuff right below... so let's make this a TRIFECTA of segments where quotes are pulled! YEAH!!
Anyway, Dusty somehow, someway, with his ego, managed to agree to condense his entire life story into 250 pages... but nestled throughout those 250 pages were some fun little nuggets from Big Dust... some bon mots if you wheel... of which I'd like to share with you right now....
"So that's how I ended up fornicatin' with Dick Murdoch's belly button"
"I still say Babydoll is someone's daddy!"
"I tried to coach Flair on how to use 'WOOOOO DADDY' as his catchphrase... if the sumbitch only listened, he would'a been someone"
"So I tol' Foley that the only way he'd ever be someone is to learn how'ta crash into things."
"I warned Brody not to go to Puerto Rico, crazy sumbitch never listened."
"I warned Magnum not to buy that Porshe, crazy sumbitch never listened."
"I warned Owen not to climb those damn fool rafters, crazy sumbitch never listened."
"Bischoff came to me for all his big decisions."
"Vince's Daddy paid me to stay away from the WWF, he would'a took it all over."
"To this day I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
"I drew more money than Hogan."
"I tell ya, things ssre would'a been diff'rent if Crockett marketed 'Dusty-Mania' like I suggested."
"Hell, fillin' up the Silverdome wasn't that big a deal. Would'a done it myself if I didn't fear the blacks"
"I tol' Vince I'd get polka dots over!"
"My elbow has healin' powers, Daddy."
"Don't tell him I said this... but I ain't a hunnert percent sure who Dustin's momma is."
"Don't tell him I said this... but I might be Dakota's Daddy."
"The NWO didn't take off 'till I joined."
"I tol' Vince to expand... he would still be booking Bruno out of Boston if it weren't fer me."
"I made Ted Turner billions."
"So I said to LeVesque, ya gotta get to New York and rope in Vinnie's daughter!"
"Missy didn't think she's get her whole titty up my ass, but we worked all night on it."
"I tried to introduce Abdullah to a nice salad once, he stabbed me with his ding dong fork"
"The only Dusty finish I know of was when I made a mess all over Woman's belly!"
"Nikita liked to stick his 'Russian Sickle" down Tony Schiavone's throat every night!"
"I could'a cured cancer if I weren't so busy savin rasslin'"
Just a few lines... amazing stuff...
Just a common man.
EXTREMELY COSTLY WRESTLING
This is the funniest story of the week...
The IWC is FREAKING because the WWE has the NERVE to charge up to $400 for the big ECW One Night Stand re-union... the old farts at PWInsider specifically are up in arms...
Anyone who knows anyone in the WWE are already begging them for some free tix... or a cheap "hook-up"
How nuts is this? The girl who lurks about online pretending to be Trish Stratus has been asked by a suckered fan to hook him up with some tix.
$400... the NERVE, the PERFIDY, how DARE they charge hardcore ECW fans THAT MUCH money for a show that is literally four years in the making and was something people have been DROOLING for since the company went out of business.
It's hilarous... it's AWESOME for two reasons...
1) SOOOO many people have been complaining... bemoaning the prices, SOBBING that they won't be able to go because they can't afford it. All that goes to show is that NONE and I mean NONE of these hardcore ECW fans have taken the last four years to better themselves and improved their lives... they were broke-ass BITCHES then, and they are broke-ass OLDER bitches now. Yeah, you... Mr. EC F'N' W... what's the matter... haven't gotten a raise? haven't invested properly? Haven't left the basement? Can't stand that the WWE doesn't go old school and honor ECW by charging $100 for the front rows and $20 for everywhere else? Did that douchebag hippie who showed up to every show ever cut his hair? Did those two morons with the gay hats and the Hawaiian shirts ever go shopping for clothes? This is a class reunion... a CELEBRATION of a grass roots company that came damn close to making it permenantly big time (with the WWE's help, of course... Vince fronted Heyman secretly for years)... this is NOT a recreation of 1998... it's an HOMAGE... it's not a time travel... it's a look back.
IT'S NOT THE WWE'S FAULT YOU WORTHLESS FUCKHEADS DIDN'T MAKE ANYTHING OF YOURSELVES!! PAY THE FUCKING TICKET OR DON'T GO!!!!!!
2) As I mentioned, the idiots who are throwing the hissiest of fits are Dave Scherer, Buck Woodward, and Mike Johnson from PWInsider. Why? Is it because they are SPEAKING FOR THE FANS, as dave likes to say? No, it's because the WWE won't COMP them freebies like Heyman always did. They ain't getting in for free like they used to... they have to PAY JUST LIKE EVEYRONE ELSE (and that hypocrite Johnson already has front row tickets... he paid, oh yes... every dime). Scherer's outraged because the WWE is doing this ECW thing without HIM... how DARE they.
A bunch of bitter.... pissed off.... OLD... FAT... MIDDLE AGED... self-inflated cocksuckers... that PWInsider crew.
Furthermore... as is USUAL with this IWC crew, everyone is ALREADY declaring the ECW PPV a disaster because they promoted it by having Chris Benoit climb a ladder and get ready to dive on Tajiri who was on a table. "VINCE DOESN'T GET IT", they scream! "VINCE HAS NO CLUE WHAT ECW IS ABOUT!!!"
Of course, Paul Heyman, who is doing most of of the SCRIPTING of this show knows what ECW is about, but why let THAT fact get in the way of a good whinefest...
Just so none of you will be led astray... here's the deal... ECW WAS about senseless violence... ALL of wrestling is about senseless violence... but what ECW was REALLY about was putting on a show for the fans... making the fans who were watching come FIRST... doing things the "corporate" wrestling companies wouldn't allow... it was hardcore because they answered to NO ONE but themselves... and if that means Benoit dives off a ladder and onto a table, if that's what it took to make a new ECW memory to go in the pile they made... then that's what Benoit does. The ECW philosophy is plain and simple... it's "Fuck it"
ECW's "One Night Stand" will be a great show and everyone will praise it... Bischoff is going out there that night because they need an enemy... they need a bad guy... they need a HEEL... just one.
Scherer and Woodward might be there, but they'll probably be watching it at home... and they HATE THAT... well fuck it. The show isn't for those assholes who used the company as a springboard to further their own lame-ass IWC careers... it's for the people who want to look back and remember when everyone involved just said "Fuck it".
They should've charged $600... just to see which one of these loser fans would've robbed a liquor store in order to get it.
Gonna be a great show.
BENOIT PUTS OVER PAC MAN
Finally.... the Day of Reckoning is UPON US... YOU SHIFTLESS BASTARDS...
No.. no... I don't mean that you are all about to get what's coming to you... I mean GameCube is about to unleash WWE's Day of Reckoning 2 with the following roster:
RAW: Batista, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Christian, Edge, Eugene, Gene Snitsky, The Hurricane, Kane, Randy Orton, Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels, Shelton Benjamin, Tajiri, Triple H, and William Regal
SmackDown! Big Show, Booker T, Bubba Ray Dudley, Charlie Haas, Chavo Guerrero, Danny Basham, Doug Basham, D-Von Dudley, Eddie Guerrero, JBL, John Cena, Kurt Angle, Rene Dupree, Rey Mysterio, Rob Van Dam, Spike Dudley, and Undertaker
Divas: Christy Hemme, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Torrie Wilson, Trish Stratus, and Victoria
Legends: Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan, Mankind, The Rock, and Steve Austin
But what you may not know yet, which I do, is some of the special coded FEATURES that you can access by pushing 24 different buttons in precise order... such as...
-The code that automatically makes Chris Benoit stop what he's doing and lay down for you
-The code that makes the Big Show fart and blow the ref clear out of the building.
-The code that makes Daniel Puder run into any Kurt Angle match and make Angle his bitch with the "Keylock"... followed by Dave Meltzer running out and fellating Puder dead in the center of the ring.
-The code that takes you inside the dressing room to see which Diva Randy Orton is ass-banging while his music plays
-The code that gives Hulk Hogan creative control over YOUR Game Cube and then rifles through your drawers looking for money while his daughter's music plays
-The code which Trish Stratus stops the match and announces into the screen, "I'm in love with Chris Hyatte for some insane reason"
-The code where you can pick who Lita screws next, and who she cheats on.
-The code where the Undertaker sells (that's a special code that you need a special 83 digit combination and a pint of blood from a rabid possum)
-The code where Dave Scherer runs out and beats up everybody in the ring.
-The code where Booker T starts speaking the Queens English
-The code where Bret Hart actually PINS Shawn Michaels.
-The code where Victoria does that full body shake and your whole room actually shakes from the vibration.
-And the code where you throw salt in your opponent's face but it's actually cocaine and you watch as he stumbles around blowing spots left and right while in a state of total bliss.
Yeah, you better get in line... right about... NOW, YOU FAGS!!
THE BLIZZARD KING
Relax, the high stacked rasslin' news is coming in a second...
This weekend, New England, which is really just Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Rhode Island (Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine can all suck my balls) was fuckin' NAILED IN THE VAGINA by a blizzard over the weekend...
And I shoveled.
And shoveled.
And shoveled some more.... like an animal... like a machine.... drifts that were 4 feet high in some spots.... monster drifts. Endless, HUGE drifts...
Sometimes, I took my jacket off because the... the HEAT from my throbbing, JACKED muscles was enough to keep me warm.
For hours I shoveled... all man.... non-stop.... endless stamina.... strength sent from God Himself!
Hyatte rules.
At some point during my shoveling, Flea called me to brag about how he ran up TWO WHOLE FLIGHTS of stairs and "Ah didn't stop to take a breather once, Hi-Rate! Hyuck!!"
Again... the lesson being.... Hyatte rules.
Okay, so far I bragged about my own physical prowess and how I've managed to charm another girl into a low-form feeling of lust for me. Feeling insecure, Hyatte? You jag-off? Oy..
QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ASK AT THE WRESTLEREUNION SHOW:
to Bill Apter:
-Were you the one who pretended to be Liz Hunter in PWI?
-How does Dusty's cum taste?
-Did you ever have hair?
-You lied to me. I spent hundreds of dollars as a child on your magazines and they were all a fucking work! I WANT MY CHILDHOOD BACK!!
-Do you have any testosterone?
-You're a fag, right?
to Kevin Nash
-Can I borrow $20?
-I'm gonna shove a hockey stick up your son's ass in front of you and laugh as you try to run after me, pokey!
-No two men are as tight as you and Hall without being gay for each other. So what's the deal?
-How on EARTH did you piss away your last WWE run?
-How many stripper have you banged?
-What kind of sadist names his kid "Tristan".
-Why can't anyone find a single WWE wrestler other than HBK or HHH to say a nice thing about you.
-Can you even spell "workrate"?
-Hell, can you even spell "effort"?
to Bruno Sammartino
-No one outside of New York cares about you, why are you here?
-Who are you to not suck up to Vince? What makes you so special?
-Couldn't you take your backhair off and throw it on your head? Homemade toupee, dude!
-Is it true that all Italians like the cock?
To Kevin Von Erich
-Didn't you die?
-How many of you are left, anyway?
-Can we see both your feet? Me and my buddy have a bet that all the Von Erichs had missing feet.
-Your brother Mike died from toxic shock syndrome... which is a CHICK disease... isn't that so embarassing?
-Isn't it time you started bringing your boys into the business so the Von Erich death cycle can start fresh?
-Can you do some of those handstand push-ups you used to do? Perform for us, monkey-boy!
-Am I crazy or did your brother Kerry look like an albino black man?
To "the Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
-If your so rich then why did I see you panhandling in Newark last week?
-Shouldn't every rich white guy own a black man?
-Isn't it highly conveinent that you "found God" only AFTER you spent the last 30 years whoring and boozing and partying and SINNING your baggy ass off?
-What does Patterson's cum taste like?
-Why is your hair blonde and your beard black?
-You know you dress like a gay pimp, right?
to Wendi Rictor
-Holy crap, what happened to YOU?
-How fast were you going when you hit the wall?
-I heard you like tuna. What's your stand on tuna?
-Do you crank call Cyndie Lauper and mock her for her downfall or is it the other way around?
-How was Lou Albano in the sack?
-Was it after you let Captain Lou mount you that you started appreciating tuna?
to Jake "The Snake" Roberts
-Aren't you the REAL "Piper" these days?
-Shouldn't you be in jail?
-If the cops come, how fast are you running!
-HEY JAKE, THE COPS ARE HERE!!
-How do you maintain those amazing abs?
-Aren't crack addicts supposed to be thin and svelte?
-How many promos have you cut in front of a judge?
-Ever stick that damn snake up a girl's chooch just to see what happens?
-In one hand I've got a baggie filled with quality coke. In the other a baggie filled with non-dairy creamer. Dress up like Judy Garland and sing, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and one of the bags is yours!
To Mick Foley
-Wasn't "Tietam Brown" supposed to finally free you from this bullshit?
-Have you ever actually measured your ass?
-The fuck are you doing putting over Samoa Joe?
-Why don't you stop being coy and agree to wrestle Flair at Mania.
-Doesn't it feel good to not have your livelihood controlled by Vince?
-Was it worth it, Mick?
-Why did you name your kid "Dewey" and not "Huey"? Or "Looey"?
-Who the hell buys those dumb children's books?
-Would it kill you to say something not so nice about SOMEONE for once?
-Is there anyone you WON'T put over, for crying out loud?
to Magnum T.A.
-Hasn't this injury angle gone on long enough?
-I'll give you $20 if you do 5 jumping jacks.
-Who are you, now?
-Have you been able to have sex since you're car wreck?
-I have Tom Selleck on the phone, he says it's time to drop the "Magnum" part of your name.
To Abdullah The Butcher
-How is it you managed to avoid AIDS?
-Do those deep runnels of scar tissue on your forehead make girls horny?
-Could you re-enact sitting in the electric chair?
-If you jumped in the air and landed, how long would it take your body to stop jiggling?
-How does it feel to have bigger tits than Trish Stratus?
-Ever bang a white girl?
-How does it feel being the scariest black man in every room you're ever in?
-Have you ever even seen the inside of a gym?
-Have you been trying to grow out that chinzy, weak mustache for 30 years?
-How many toilets have you destroyed while crapping?
-How does it feel being the only man in this place that Kevin Nash can beat in a foot race?
-What kind of moron stabs himself with silverwear?
To Roddy Piper
-Ever hear of Clinique?
-What's your problem?
-Explain how Tim Brooks can manhandle your penis in order to yank out a growth and have it NOT be gay?
-What happened to "They Live 2"?
-What happened to you?
-Will you be as timely and as cutting edge as ever by cutting a promo where you compare Vince McMahon to Dan Quayle?
-Explain exactly how you are "Rowdy"?
-Does the expression, "It's Over" mean anything to you?
To Dusty Rhodes
-Can you possibly get fatter?
-I'll give you $20 if you can properly pronounce one sentence with more than 18 words.
-How can any girl get to your penis without breaking her neck under that goddam belly?
to The Masked Superstar
-Oh for... take off that fucking MASK!!!
-How do we know you're you? You're under a mask?
-Isn't "Masked Superstar" an oxymoron?
-Do you wear the mask when you're selling cars?
-Is "The Unknown Comic" your hero?
To Cowboy Bob Orton Jr.
-How's the arm?
-Do you know which rat produced Randy?
-Do you care?
-Does Randy let you have his rat leftovers?
-Why does Randy look more like Paul Orndorff than his alleged "father"?
To "The Boogie Woogie Man" Jimmy Valient
-Ain't you too old to be boogie woogie anything?
-Isn't calling yourself "The Boogie Woogie Man" the same as calling yourself "Too Lazy and Dumb To Think Of Something Better"?
-Didn't I see you fighting seagulls for the McDonald's fries I tossed out of my car last week?
-Anyone ever tell you that long beards make you look like a douchebag?
-How much dried semen is in your beard?
-Think your career might have gone better if you lifted a single weight?
To Malia Hosaka
-Who the hell are you?
To Tully Blanchard
-Do you remember Tully Blanchard? Do you care
-Aren't you glad Luger and Vicious made it so you weren't the biggest loser who ever called himself a Horseman?
-Does Steve Austin call you for tips on how to properly slap the wife around?
-Where do you get the nerve to use something so silly as a Slingshot Suplex as a finisher?
-Babydoll was a man, right?
-How come Ric and Arn have paying WWE jobs and you were refilling my minibar a couple of hours ago?
-What kind of name is "Tully" anyway?
To "Playboy" Buddy Rose
-Oh My God, stop EATING!
To Chris Hyatte
-Why are you so obsessed with Trish Stratus?
-Why are you so proud to have online girls talking to you?
-What happened to you? Didn't you used to be funny?
-Isn't it over? Can't you exit gracefully?
-What site do you write for now?
-How does it feel becoming everything you stood against a few years ago?
-Why don't you just accept that you're now a loser and get your own Live Journal?
-Hasn't anyone told you that cool people don't constantly write about how cool they are?
-What's Flea really like?
-Why am I asking you a question when you aren't at this Wrestlereunion?
Good question.
ROB FEINSTEIN BOOKS THE CARD OF LIFE
Wrestling's most famous pederast, Rob Feinstein, posted some advice to ALL up and cumm... heh... COMING wrestlers out there... maybe even YOU!
The one thing I hate is going to a Indy show and seeing guys in the ring wearing jeans. What seperates you from the fans in the crowd? Invest in legit gear so you look better or your just some other guy that is no better than a fan in the crowd. You need to stand above the fans because they pay to see you and you need to be above them.
Ahhh, wisdom. But if you crawl through Rob's top secret livejournal, you would see that he has LOTS of advice for young... able-bodied... well-gifted... MALE, oh lord they have to be MALE wrestlers just starting out... here are a few choice nuggets (HAW), from Hot Rob:
-Need quick body oil? Bacon grease has all SORTS of benefits before and AFTER the show!
-Don't forget to incorporate tongue push-ups in your work-out routine! Remember: A strong tongue is a pushed tongue!
-TIGHTER OUTFITS, DAMMIT!!
-Stay away from the ring rats. I mean, have you actually looked AT a vagina? Icky poo POO.... hmmmm, poo... slurp
-Spend a day at some elementary school during recess and watch the kids frolic about... note how limber and carefree they are. Take some telescopic photos of them and send them to me.
-No fisting while your hands are still taped... it's called chaffing... HELLOOOOOOO...ever hear of it?
-Nair + Ass = One Happy Worker
-Never work for Gabe... he's a humorlous lout
-If you want to get into the WWE, better get on Pat Patterson's "good side", if you know what I mean... heh heh heh heh.
-For you Conservative hetero wimps out there... remember, you are not sucking a promoter's ween... you are advancing your career!
-Sure, some of these promoters are fat and old... but I've never seen a clit that's as gosh darn cute as the saggiest, wrinkliest pair of balls.
-No blading of the rectum, not even as a rib.
-Do NOT try the old "cup of warm yogurt across the back to fake an orgasm" trick to finish early. EVERY promoter on Earth knows that scam
-Finally, even if they have you on tape running away from a young boy's home like the Devil Himself was chasing you: DENY, DENY, DENY
Rob Feinstein, even in exile he still loves helping the kids!
28 YEARS LATER....
In a few days, the last chapter of a tale that more or less CHANGED THE FOUNDATION OF MOVIE MAKING AND SCIENCE FICTION will be told... the last chapter of an epic that myself and countless others have grown up on since damn near birth. After next week, there will be no more Star Wars chapters to look forward to... it's truly, the end of the greatest serialized cinematic experience that will ever be in our time (yeah, that LOR trilogy can suck my nuts).
And, if you're like me, this notions brings a certain... depression. If Star Wars can finally end... so can our youth... so can our innocence... so can... us.
Unfortunately, there ARE a few people out there who will crap all over this historic occasion...
Hyatte1com: You know what's sad?
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: What's that?
Hyatte1com: that in 9 days, we, as a generation, won't have any more Star Wars movies to look forward to
Hyatte1com: pretty much defined a culture... and now the last story will be told
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: Star wars is shit
Hyatte1com: DEFINED A CULTURE
Hyatte1com: and pretty much told the movie industry how to do special effects
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: Defined a bunch of geeks
Hyatte1com: sweetie, you WILL dress up as Princess leia for me at least one time and you will enjoy doing it
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: No I will not!!
Hyatte1com: maybe dress up as Darth Maul?
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: whos that
Hyatte1com: come on, you can play with my Yoda
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: what?
Hyatte1com: So I guess dressing up as Chewbacca and doing your ass wookie style is out of the question?
TrishPhonyWhoIs FoolingEVERYONE: lol
Ugh... if she wasn't so hot and so gifted at impersonating someone famous so thoroughly.... I would've blocked her right there.
(it ain't her, morons...)
ANYWAY.... to celebrate the ending of a goddam ERA... I thought I'd take a look at some of the PLAYERS who made this story come alive...
Harrison Ford: Rumored to be a skirt-chasing slut into stripper clubs; wife dumped him when she found out that the rumors were true. Big hemp smoker. Also rumored to be into leather and S&M;, as well as being a homophobe. (Although rumors begin to emerge about his dalliances with younger men). The Bill Murray character in Lost in Translation is reportedly based on him. Good tipper. Linked with Lara Flynn Boyle, Lesley Ann Down, Minnie Driver, Carrie Fisher, Calista Flockhart, Julia Ormond, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kristen Scott Thomas, and "about four dozen others."
Carrie Fisher: Recovering drug addict. Former wife of Paul Simon. Never graduated from high school. Bipolar, but is finally on the right drug regimen and has her life together again--good for you, Ms. Fisher. Very witty writer. Linked with Ben Affleck (you go, Carrie!), Harrison Ford, and George Lucas.
JimmySmits: Possible drug abuse or AIDS or both. Linked with Jane Fonda.
Samuel L. Jackson: Recovering drug addict. Is rumored to have occasionally made use of escort services in NYC. Male escort services.
Billy Dee Williams: Abuser of women.
Natalie Portman: Has admitted to lusting after other woman, but claims never to have done anything about it. (No, certainly not.) Is succesfully living the life of an ordinary college student. I've heard a number of accounts of how modest and unassuming she is in person, but I'm now beginning to hear stories of diva-like behavior on her part. Ecstasy user. Linked with Hayden Christiansen, Lukas Haas, Jude Law, and Moby.
Liam Neesan: Not what one could call faithful to his women, and apparently doesn't limit himself to just women. Rumored to have vd. Linked to Janice Dickinson, Helen Mirren, Sinead O'Connor, Natasha Richardson (his wife), Julia Roberts, Brooke Shields, and Barbra Streisand.
Ewan McGregor: "Swings both ways. Often." "Serial shagger. Never faithful to his beautiful wife. Great bloke in person, though." Linked to Susanna Eng, Nicole Kidman, and Jude Law.
Hayden Christensen: FOD ("Friend of Dorothy", ie: gayer than a Columbian Banana Mule)
And what of the Grand Author of this 28 year story? What of George Lucas??
Well, nothing... he's clean, but along with Carrie Fisher, here are two other celebrities that Lucas is accused of shagging...
Barbara Streisand: "Everything she sings is charged with self-loving vulgarity." Vain & egotistical harridan; legendary for being difficult to work with--perhaps the worst such in the history of Hollywood. Grotesquely bad taste in interior decorating. Notorious tightwad despite her wealth. Had a videotape of her having sex with two-bit actor James Brolin stolen from her house. Affairs with Andre Agassi, Warren Beatty, James Brolin, Richard Burton, Gary Busey, Bill Clinton,Clint Eastwood, Sam Elliott, Milos Forman, Richard Gere, Elliott Gould, Peter Jennings, Don Johnson, Kris Kristofferson, George Lucas, Liam Neeson, Ryan O'Neal, Elvis Presley, Robert Redford, Omar Sharif, Tommy Smothers, Pierre Trudeau and Peter Weller.
Linda Rondstadt: Linked with Jerry Brown, all of the Eagles, Mick Jagger, Kevin Kline, and George Lucas.
Linda Rondstadt... ALL of the Eagles? Even Joe Walsh? Whoa...
Unfortunately... there isn't any juice on Mark Hamill OR Sir Alec Guiness either.... damn shame, because you KNOW Luke has some damn creepy skeletons in his closet.
And after next week... there will be a HOLE in our hearts... as our childhood is... is.... laid to rest...
****
Ahhhh 2005! What a year... a year where I bided my time and held my breath and stayed patient and was kind and understanding and charming and....
Well, I'm aboot to get PAID, jack! Who knew just being myself would actually work?
or maybe not... who knows. Some decisions just ain't mine to make.
One decision is whether there will be a column next week! All signs point to "Yes". Why not?
All NEW stuff too! Oh, the same old jokes, but re-written and updated to something topical! I'm a master that that.
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This is Hyatte